The Beauty in Brokenness

Did you ever feel broken?  

Do you know that frozen second of time where you can see a cup falling down, not yet having touched the floor? That second where you hold your breath, where time stands still and you know it’s too late to fight what is meant to be, that sacred in between of an old life that is about to fall apart and a new life in which the puzzle pieces are trying to find the place that has been theirs all along.

Maybe you cover your ears with your hands not to hear the cringing sound of breaking porcelain, crushing bones and shattering hearts. Maybe you close your eyes not to see the damage that is about to happen right in front of you. Or maybe you just stand there and that moment of all or nothing becomes your world. Maybe just for a while.

And then when the life of that one second comes to an end, you fall to your knees and you fight back your tears because you know that when you weep for too long it will be just too damn hard to find your sherds through the fog. And maybe you can’t find them all, maybe some remain hidden under the heaviest piece of furniture in the corner of your living room till you die and then your kids get rid of that old cupboard and just swipe away the long forgotten parts of your self with the rest of the dust. And  maybe that is just the way things should be.

As the world trembles

I haven’t written for a while. And even though I am really longing for it, the moment I sit myself down in front of a blank page, a feeling of immense tiredness overcomes me. I wanna play with words, but I am to tired to play. I wanna create beauty, but the grief is much more present (which can be beauty too, I am aware of that). So many things going on, so many roads to travel, so many books to read and write and yet it seems like I can’t find the starting line.

I want to plan hikes and I want to hike in the Sierra and in the desert and I want it to be summer already but there is no way to around winter, no way around surgery, the big dark monster slowly creeping up on me.

There are so many things I wanna do and start, yet this monster forces me to stop, to take a break in a phase of my life where I don’t really want to stand still, where I wanna create, bring my gift to the world and be of service. Of course I know this darkness is gonna inform me, is gonna be woven into my story, will become a part of my service. The beast will dance with the beauty and when I come out on the other side of the mountain I will carry a bit of gold in my small hands. But for now, to be honest, I am fucking scared. That’s how it is.

More or Less or Just Enough

Yesterday I bought a women’s magazine. I hadn’t bought one in years. While standing in line to pay my stuff I pictured myself on the couch, sipping on a glass of white wine and reading something without brains. It sounded like a good plan to me. However that thought only lasted till I opened the magazine and noticed the word “more” being used a lot. An aweful lot. “Be more human” (Reebok ad), “Want it more” (Asics); over all “more” seemed to be the way to go.

And I heard myself thinking “What the fuck?” Wearing tight sexy clothes while doing a crazy impossible yoga pose is making me more human??? And what would happen if I wanted it more? What is “it” anyway? Being fit? Having a six-pack? Being better than the rest? Or being someone else?

Cause what “more” is really saying, is that right now “I am not enough”. Not good enough the way I am. Not hot enough. Not cool enough. Not beautiful enough. Not happy enough. Not tough enough. Not chilled enough! Not! enough! I need to be more! Apparently I am lacking something. Maybe there’s a hole somewhere in my body, a space full of emptiness that makes me “not enough”, waiting and begging to be filled with “more”?

Continue Smiling – A journey along the PCT

I am so proud of HQ who made a short movie about our journey along the Pacific Crest Trail.

As the title says, it’s about the ability to “continue smiling”, through pain, through ups and downs, through life. ‘Cause really when you look at life: It’s a miracle.

And so all I can do, is encourage you to keep smiling and following your heart. It’s the way to happiness! Be grateful, be who you truely are and share your gift with the world ’cause there is only one you and you got this one life to live to the fullest!!!

Here it is:

PS: While putting this video online yesterday I was in hospital and I was getting surgery scheduled. It’s gonna be hard but life always has its means of creating some sort of sense. I’ll walk my path… somehow… and next to the tears, which I am gonna cry for sure, I’ll do my best to continue smiling!!!

Love,

Cat

Live NOW!

I wake up, laying in our tent, buried under two fat fluffy winter sleepingbags. I hear the birds sing their first song, I breath the crispy air and when I peek under the fly I see the grass shimmering with ice crystals. It’s friday and it’s the first day I don’t think of the diagnosis first thing in the morning. It’s maybe my second thought, but still…

mYAMAdventure

I’ve been sharing it on Facebook but then hey I realised I haven’t written about it here… I’m participating with MY YAMA ADVENTURE. Hell yesssss!!!

I applied somewhere in the beginning of November after a friend  (Thanks so much Ligia!!!) told me I should give it a go. I actually hadn’t applied yet because I was worried not to be able to raise $2000. But then April convinced me (Thanks so much to you too April!!!) and soooo…. here I am!!!

When I got the email from Gen from Yama mountain gear, I was like: eh? really? really!!! WOWWWW! And then I reread the email to make sure I read it right. But yes it was an invitation to participate! Fuck YEAHHHH!
Yep you can imagine me in our tiny cabin, not much space left actually, dancing in the little space available. Between the table and the drawers.

A walk with my ego

Today me, myself, I and my ego went for a walk. In fact it was just me, myself and I walking. My ego was, as always, sitting on one of my shoulders, just riding along, commenting on each thought coming to my mind.

“So you’re gonna hike the PCT?” my ego asked.

“Yeah, I’m gonna hike the PCT,” I said.

“Wow you’re frikking awesome!” ego said.

And I was like: “Na, I don’t know.”

While we were walking, our conversation kept on going…

This is how it went:

Ego: “You’re special.”

Cat: “O shut up!”

E: “Not everyone hikes from Mexico to Canada!”

C: “I’m just walking.”
E: “But you’re walking more than 2000 fucking miles.”

C: “Yeah, well, I’m not sure if I’m gonna make it.”

E: “You’re badass girl!”

C: “hm”

E: “O come on, you’re a star!”

C: “I’m not even half a star!”

E: “I’m coming with you. If you’re not gonna shine I frikkin am!”

C: “O ego, could you like please just shut up, just for one sec?!”

E: “Jee, don’t ruin all the fun here. It’s my chance to get attention!!!”

C: “Attention for what ego?”

E: “For being so fucking tough, walking to Canada!”

C: “It’s not you hiking ego, you’re just riding along, as always. My feet are gonna do this.”

E: “Really girl, you’re gonna ruin this for me?”

C: “I don’t know ego, I’m not sure I wanna carry you on my shoulder. After all my base pack weight should be under 10lbs. There’s no room for you!”

E: “Fuck lightweight backpacking! Why can’t you be rich and famous? I’d be getting so much more attention!”

Moving and staying

I haven’t hiked much lately. I haven’t written much lately. I haven’t “been” much lately… apart from “been working”… Summer is high season in our wilderness school, it’s the time of the year where we make our living for the rest of the year. Plus since fall has come, we’ve been building our tiny home to make sure we have a roof above our heads in winter. So I’ve basically “been working” since I got back from the Haute Route. We need money to get us through the winter and ‘thru’ the PCT and through the winter after that.

Hiking = Resetting to original mode!

Some people don’t seem to get it. “Hiking is boring. Why would you wanna walk all those miles? What does it give to you? There are so many cool things to do and you go hiking? Really?”

HELL YES! REALLY!!!

Hiking is human nature! It is what we are designed for! That’s right, look down… Do you see them? Those two things carrying you around are your feet! They’re not made for highheels, they’re not made for stitting still 8 hours a day. They’re made for walking, for running, for moving! If evolution would be working faster I guess the last 20 or 30 years would have eliminated our feet and legs and we’d be growing cars out of our ass, or seats, or whatever that makes us not use our feet anymore.

The night with ‘my’ mountain lion

One year ago something happened that changed my life. Something that I think of every day. Something that I carry around in my body, my mind and my soul. I’m sure not all people would give it that much of a meaning. I didn’t really choose to do so, it chose me. It’s a part of me whereever I go and whatever I do.

One year ago I was given a second birthday. At least that is what it felt like when Gordon and Dave came down from Sunrise Mountain and found me just before they crossed Sunrise Creek on their way down to the Clouds Rest junction. They gave the word “trail angel” a meaning far beyond the normal meaning all thruhikers come to enjoy. They saved me from what I thought was gonna keep me caged forever and what I thought was gonna kill me.

One year ago I spent 13 hours with a mountain lion. I started calling him or her “my mountain lion”. But really he or she ain’t mine. “I’m his or her” would suit more but I guess that’s not how it is either. The mountain lion was absolutely beautiful. I was inside my tarptent, he or she right outside. Yet as the hours passed by -and I can tell you, they never passed by more slow than they did that night- in my mind my tent gradually became my coffin.